The title of this article is an impossibility for me. Only FIVE? There are SO many awesome family vehicles, narrowing it down to 5 is extremely challenging.

Audi RS6 Avant or AMG E 63? Allllll the Volvo long roofs – 240, 850, V70R, V90!? Does the addiction of 425 rumbling horseys make up for the laughably poor build quality of a Magnum SRT8?

Such difficult questions but fear not, this is my cross to bear. And I bear it cheerfully.

The following list are five favorites that I would happily buy today. NOTE: This rundown assumes that money grows on trees and premium fuel is free. This isn’t Consumer Reports, there are no points accrued for nonsense like fuel economy or owner satisfaction.

They’re just five of the most awesome vehicles for carting your family around.

2021 Mercedes-AMG E63 S

When it comes to the rarified air of six-figure slicktops from Germany with many hundreds of horsepower and torque, you have two choices. Mercedes or Audi?

The Benz uber-wagon has been on our shores for years. Whereas the Audi RS6 Avant only just arrived. I would really need to buy one of each as I’m so gah-gah for both (I love me some station wagons).

But the AMG takes it by a nose due to its higher likelihood for being completely ignored. In fact, I would spec it with the badge-delete option to further cloak the monster living under the bonnet.

Audi’s latest Avant, on the other hand, is a relative showboat. What with the gaping front maw, humpty-dumpty rear diffuser and mammoth rims. Don’t get me wrong, I would give my left arm to own one. but the Benz gets closer to that desirable Sleeper definition.

Photo: Mercedes-AMG

Even in my preferred Benz shade of Designo Cardinal Red Metallic. Chosen partly for the absurdity of “Designo” but also because everyone else drives a black one.

The aforementioned monster is a hand-built, twin-turbo, fire breathing V8 that can unleash 603 horses and 627 torques to all four wheels. Car and Driver clocks it at 3 seconds flat to 60, fast enough for my wagging tongue to slap me in the face.

Did I mention it’s a full-size station wagon to boot? Which means all three of our childrens (misspelled on purpose because I’m such a comedian) would fit comfortably.

Swaddled in finest Nut Brown Nappa leather with aluminum trim, it can be yours for the low-low price of $116,030. Second mortgage anyone?

1995 GMC Suburban 1500

Slightly less expensive but equally proficient at swilling fuel is Sentimentality. In the form of a 1995 Suburban. We used to have one and I’d argue that this is the best-looking generation.

I really dig the 70’s models too but the 90’s are calling my name. It’s hard to find them with under 100,000 miles but CarsForSale.com recently had one with 94,000 on the odometer for $9150.

The good news is the plethora of parts so even a tired motor is a straightforward update. More good news is that Suburbans are gargantuan. You, the kids, as much stuff as you can stand – it all fits. Gas mileage is…not great, but who cares, look how big it is!

Need more space? Put it on the roof. Myself, Tyler, our good friend Dave and another young man known as Bobo once drove a 1995 Suburban from New Jersey to California with four longboards on the roof.

We had many adventures on that trip. Like the drunken Tennessee mechanics who fixed a busted throttle position sensor while nearly giving me a heart attack during the post-fix test drive.

Or on the way back, replacing the fuel filter in a NAPA parking lot with the flu. Tyler got to drive 11 hours straight that night, through Yellowstone, at night, with me on my death knell in the back. To say the ‘Burban didn’t smell great when we got back to NJ is an understatement.

Anyway, all Suburbans can go on a list of best family vehicles. But the new ones are crazy expensive so take a look at the squared-off goodness of a mid-90s model.

2012 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon

Bob Lutz is an American hero. As chairman of GM, he ushered in the 556-hp, Caddy CTS-V wagon WITH. A. SIX. SPEED.

I can’t say I’m in love with the styling which looks like a drunken chimpanzee designed it with a Ginsu knife. Cadillac calls it “Art and Science”.

You know what cures unfortunate looks? A supercharged, 6.2-liter Corvette V8 with a stick and Michelin Pilot Sport PS2 tires. This car will likely go down as the baddest wagon of all time.

A relative bargain when new at about $65,000, they have taken off in value as the end of internal combustion approacheth.

Photo: Car and Driver

Bring A Trailer sold one with 12,000 miles for nearly 90 grand last year. But there are some out there in the $40,000 to $50,000 range. “It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.”

The fact that this vehicle is a station wagon is hilarious. You can load the family up for a road trip and rip donuts in the community college parking lot until the rubber is vaporized. At the same time even.

1967 Chevelle Wagon

I just realized I’m on something of GM kick here. Which is odd since I more readily associate myself with Ford when it comes to American cars. But hey, I guess they know how to make adrenaline-pumping family haulers.

Back in the 60s, Chevy was into selling cars with about 274 different powertrain options. The ’67 Chevelle Malibu Station Wagon could be had with two- or four-doors and all manner of six- or eight-cylinder motors plus automatic and manual transmissions of varying gear counts.

Me? I’m looking for the 327 cubic inch, Turbo-Fire V8 cranking out 325 horses, married to a 4-speed manual with four doors.

For one thing, Turbo-Fire sounds cool so it must be good. For another, have you ever felt the rumble of a Chevy small block from this era?

My buddy used to have a 1969 Chevelle and MAN that sound was amazing. Torque for days. Efficiency? Not so much. You can melt your brain breathing in the waves of uncombusted gasoline.

Photo: Bring A Trailer

But that’s not why you’d buy this car.

I know I’m an old-fart because when I browse the car auction sites, I find myself lingering on old station wagons from the 60s through the 80s. Why?  Because they have humongous back seats.

“Wow. The kids could really spread out back there”, I muse. Those old cars were far more spacious. Just look at the A-pillar in practically any car from that era compared to today.

Granted, all the airbags, crumple zones and safety gizmos are a good thing. But you could really spread out in those old vehicles.

As a kid, we had a Buick wagon – maybe a 1985 LeSabre? (I’ll let Richard weigh in). Memories like facing rearward in the way-way back, while the rear door swung open as the car labored uphill in the Watchung reservation surely have colored my love for these big vehicles.

While I’m sure the driving experience, today, wouldn’t line up with my memories, these old land yachts belong on any ultimate family vehicle list. Just ask Clark Griswold.

2012 Ferrari FF

A few years back, we spent time living in Switzerland. Majestic mountains, glorious chocolate and loads of expensive cars.

One day, walking the kids to school, I heard something rumbling LOUD from behind. Turning around to see a Ferrari FF made my day. Watching said FF pull up to school, so the dad behind the wheel could drop his kids is seared in my memory.

Where, but Switzerland, would you see a 650 horsepower, 2-door V12 Ferrari being used as the family ride? Even better, the guy was super down-to-earth. And yes, I got to for a ride.

Photo: Car and Driver

As I quizzed him on the Ferrari, he commented that sometimes he preferred his Suzuki Vitara but the FF was faster. This guy, I later learned, was descended from Swiss royalty. I’m not making this up.

Any who, the Ferrari FF is easily one of the ultimate grocery getting, family haulers. It even has AWD, making those typical snowy Sunday jaunts through ye olde Alps all the better.

Considering the original sticker of oh, $300,000-ish, the recent $108,000 sale of a 24,000-mile example on Bring A Trailer is a downright bargain.

Honorably Amazing Family Vehicle Mentions

• VW Golf Alltrack – 6-speed, green paint job, dark brown leather, panoramic sunroof? Yes please
  
• Volvo 240 Wagon – My college roommate had one with big ol’ speakers mounted in the trunk. We used it for, uh, wholesome activities like basket weaving.
  
• Porsche Panamera Sport Turismo – Have you seen this thing? The Turbo S model rocks a twin-turbo V8 making 620 ponies. You can paint it Papaya and it only costs 180 large. Plus, it’s a wagon!

Photos: Car and Driver / Pinterest / Porsche